The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
