My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
