Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
