I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
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I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.