Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
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I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead