Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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