I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
