I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize