Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
