It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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