I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
