I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
