i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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