sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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