I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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