Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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