My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
