i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
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I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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