if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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