A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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