My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
