Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
