My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
