Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
