I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
