just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
