dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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