Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
