I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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