come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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