I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
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What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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