the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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