Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
