I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
