he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
