This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915