This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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