You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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