I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
