Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
His hands were made for my vagina.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
