I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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