just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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