Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
