Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
