how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Too much gin, very little bucket
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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