tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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