Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dignity is for republicans.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
