the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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