I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
