Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
