No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
