Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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