I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
