do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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