Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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