lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
