Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
