Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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